Is Tire Teleportation Real? K&W Tire Said So on April 1

Bob Ulrich
Posted on April 2, 2018
Jeff Short (center, at the NETSA Trade Show in 2017) sent out a must-read press release on 4/01/18.
Jeff Short (center, at the NETSA Trade Show in 2017) sent out a must-read press release on 4/01/18.

As far as April Fool's jokes go, it wasn't bad. The email, an "ePress release from K&W Tire," was official-looking, with the date in numbers so that at least visually, the word "April" was subtly hidden.

"K&W Tire announces logistical breakthrough," said the release. I was very interested, and read on.

"Lancaster, Pa.-based K&W Tire is pleased to announce that they have made major strides towards what they feel will potentially revolutionize the field of tire distribution."

Major strides? Just how "major" can tire distribution be? It sounded like the people from K&W were hyping something minor, but hey, it was their press release. I read on.

"V.P. of Sales Jeff Short reports that the company has successfully begun teleporting tires in a controlled lab environment."

And there was the joke, which brought a smile to my face. Teleporting tires? I figured Short must have been binge watching the original Star Trek series on Hulu when he came up with the idea.

But it wasn't a surprise after the fact. Short and the gang at K&W have always wholesaled tires a little differently. At the 2017 New England Tire & Service Association Trade Show in Mashantucket, Conn., Short promoted K&W with decorative -- skateboards!

Here is the rest of the release for your enjoyment (unless, of course, it isn't a joke):

"The impact of this can't be overstated. In a world of ever increasing size proliferation and the market demand for ever more frequent deliveries, this technology will offer never dreamed of efficiencies for distributors and convenience for installers.

"Short states, 'We have been known as a company that exploits technology for the benefit of our customers and this is just taking everything we do to another level. We began this process experimenting with the 3D printing of tires. We achieved some success with this but we can't expect all of our dealers to incur the expense of printers on their end. We toyed with the idea of drone delivery but the FAA frowns on this. That left teleportation. If the customer has broadband internet and a three-phase power supply similar to what you need for a good air compressor, we'll be able to beam tires to them.'

"K&W has confined early work to slow-speed tires such as those used on lawn and garden equipment. They are waiting for independent lab testing to confirm that the teleported tires are safe for use before they progress into passenger and light truck tires. According to Short, 'This is uncharted territory. We don't want to beam a Y-rated tire for a Porsche to one of our dealers and have it fail at 160 mph because we missed something in our algorithms. Our team of programmers and scientists deserve all the credit for the advances. They tell me it's just simple good old quantum physics. Just a big math problem, but in a different dimension. We're moving ahead slowly and deliberately.'

"The good news for the entire market is that K&W plans on licensing the technology to other distributors. Short says, 'Just as Jonas Salk refused to patent his Polio vaccine, we will make this available for all. It's just too important not to.' In the meantime you can contact K&W at teleportationlogistics@kwtire.com."

Nicely done, Jeff! Live long and prosper.

Related Topics: Jeff Short, Jonas Salk, K&W Tire, NETSA, wholesale

Bob Ulrich Editor
Comments ( 5 )
  • See all comments
  • Jeff Short

     | about 6 months ago

    Very nice of you to say so M Ellis and Justin Moore. Hope see you in the next dimension soon.

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